How to be a Cookie Cutter Conservative:

First and foremost you must have an unrealistic view of growing up American – In the conservative world you are automatically born into a loving family with zero moral or financial issues.  You live in a nice house with both parents present until you go off to college without worrying how to pay for it and move immediately into the job you deserve or better yet create your very successful small business.

Along the way there are certain things you absolutely have to be in favor of:

God – God must be the deciding factor in all things.  God has put you on a pre-determined path, and the choices you make are all a part of His plan.  Don’t worry, there is inevitably a passage in the bible somewhere that will support your actions and guide you through your next concern.

Guns – If you aren’t in favor of all things gun related you are un-American.  You will support the right of people to carry assault rifles through Home Depot and carry shotguns to the playground, all for the purpose of keeping people safe.  You oppose any kind of gun safety legislation because 14 people were killed in Chicago in a single weekend in a gun free zone.

The Constitution – Even though you’ve probably never read it, you have to support it.  You absolutely must be shocked and outraged every time a story comes across your newsfeed claiming President Obama has once again usurped this magnificent document you don’t understand by issuing an Executive Order that doesn’t apply to you.

Once you have those things covered you are well on your way to being conservative.  Next you must conform to a list of things you are against:

Freedom of Religion – This very important first item may at first seem confusing, because as a lover of the Constitution you are already in favor of Christianity, since it was written by people filled with the spirit of the Lord.  You are all for school prayer and “under God.”  You don’t need to be in favor of freedom of Christianity since our country is a Christian one by law.  You are opposed to freedom of all other religions or lack thereof.

Government assistance – Having grown up in the perfect home and moved into the perfect job you are fundamentally opposed to people who require any form of public assistance.  Those people are lazy and in need of an education.  If you’re one of the millions of conservatives who lives in a poverty-stricken red state and collects benefits you are still opposed to the poor people of the inner cities getting benefits because they are all committing fraud and eating steak with the taxes you don’t pay.

Women’s rights – You oppose abortion because all life is sacred unless you’re a Muslim or on death row.  You oppose fair pay for womenfolk because they spend less time building their “human capital,” a term you don’t feel the need to truly comprehend.  Women who dress provocatively are asking to get raped.

Illegal immigrants – All people with brown skin are illegal immigrants.  It doesn’t matter how long they’ve been here, whether or not they’ve obtained legal residency or become US citizens or were born on American soil, they should all go home.  They are taking all of the jobs and sucking up taxpayer money via welfare and food stamps.  You believe a 30 foot electrified fence should be built from one end of our southern border to the other.  Because it’s our only border.

Corporate taxation – You oppose the taxation of corporations…for some reason.  You have bought the “job creator” line that has led to the largest gap in wealth inequality in our history, and you support corporate personhood.  It matters not that these companies are essentially being paid to send factories overseas and hide their profits offshore because the Mexicans are taking all the jobs and the poor are taking all the money.

The environment – The EPA is nothing but a sham.  Global climate change is a hoax.  It’s important for big energy companies to continue fracking away the future of our planet because people need jobs.  Clean energy won’t get your ’72 Ford pickup from point A to point B any faster, therefore it’s unnecessary.

Gays and gay marriage – In case you don’t have enough things to hate you can always add this tiny demographic to the list. Gay people will teach children to be gay.  Gay marriage will destroy the foundation of our country because, well, it just will. These people must be stopped before pedophilia and bestiality run rampant in America. Also… AIDS.

There are of course many other factors that will assist in qualifying you as a modern conservative. You should be white and vocal about loving being white while at the same time blaming minorities for racism.  You should be male or subservient to one.  You should believe that all of your views are backed by facts because you read them on the internet or heard it on FOX News.

If you put it in perspective you’re basically a bigoted white male, ammosexual-regressive who wants to see our country revert to 1863 with no understanding of our founding fathers or of our laws.  That won’t matter to you, though, because that distinction was given to you by a lazy liberal whose only interest in life is wrapping their government assisted arms around useless trees.

Your parents will be so proud.